When that killer of a devil called 'emotional stress' comes creeping up my spine like a disease from the Congo, then I want to kill something from frustration!! This devastating-spirit-killing heart-wrenching process? Yes. And my worst enemy. A healthy body often has a healthy mindset. What you don't realise, is how an unhealthy mindset, and unhappy state-of-heart (caused by said 'disease'), may cause destruction of that sculpted, healthy, happy, beautiful 'hot' body. Me - case in point. It is my single biggest daily challenge. My weakness. Without a doubt. I think the biggest problem is the way I handle relationships. Work, pressure at the office, and the daily grind of my job, that I can handle. Feeling part of friendships, being valued by other people, dealing with rejection, failure, etc, not so much. It is my weakness, because in reality I should NOT let it upset me so much. Frankly, it's unreasonable to expect people to treat you nice all the time, or to be interested in your life, all the time. I've learnt that being a good friend and a good listener sometimes helps - to allow people to value your friendship first. Giving, often results in receiving.
I saw the movie version of 'Spud' this week - based on the South African book by John van de Ruit - starring John Cleese and newcomer Troye Sivan, about a schoolboy who feels left out and alone during his first high school year at a private boarding school in KwaZulu-Natal. I could most certainly relate. Growing up tough always haunts me during challenging times (read, when emotional stress hits hardest). It's like a flashback that violently beats through my mind. It's typical movie scene - the disturbed adult-character experiencing these harsh flashbacks of some type of abuse during his younger years. Only to wake-up and find that it's all fine. I know that it's all fine. In fact, I'm very blessed.
But I also know that getting over this hurdle of emotional stress, is a long and frustrating process. You end up having imbalanced emotions, you get upset over stupid, small things, people think you've got 'issues,' you get rejected because no one wants to deal with your crap, and you start hating yourself. Yes, even considering suicide. I know that I'm better off today than what I was a few years back, and that gives me courage! 'Harden-the-fuck-up' is my motto now. I was told by someone that I should grow some balls. Right. Will do.
Being disciplined, and hard-working might sideline me, and even if I'm still as unpopular as I was at school, it won't make me a weaker person, because I'm working towards a bigger plan, and by taking one-step-at-a-time, I will survive this, get through my emotional baggage, and be at peace. I know that. I believe that. And I won't lose hope.
PS: Was listening to the tune 'Hold on' earlier today, by M Buble. Some of the lyrics are:
...luck will leave you, cause it's a faithless friend
And in the end when life has got you down
You've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around
There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart
But it's no one's fault
So hold on, to me tight;
Hold on, I promise it'll be alright
Cause it's you and me together...
